Mary Sues: The Terror of Our Generation
(spotlight falls upon officially dressed Narrator at center stage. Dramatic starting music plays)
Narrator: Our time. Is a time of terror. Our world is one of uncertainty, fear, great deals on car insurance, and horror. Everyday when we wake, we know that the second we step from the safety of our bed and our Invader ZIM footie pajamas, we will be faced by the harsh, vile demon spawn who haunt our daily lives. And by we, I mean teenagers who never took an interest in sports and so spend all day and night on the computer writing fan fictions and watching anime. And by vile demon spawn, I of course mean the prevalent, despicable, dreadful creation that is the infamous (dramatic pause) Mary Sue. (dramatic musical climax, followed by a few seconds of silence)
Audience Member: What's that?
Narrator: Yes, the Mary Sue! The scourge of writers the world over! A Mary Sue, in short, is a character, more than likely female, that is too idealized and poorly developed to be interesting or otherwise likable. They are usually created by young teenage girls who want to "be" the Sue. As evil comes in all forms, there are many kinds of Mary Sue, but some traits are universal.
(spotlight shuts off)
Audience Member: I still don't get it!
Narrator: Just shut up and listen!
(spotlight turns back on, focused on a female figure at center stage)
Narrator: As previously stated, as you would know if you LISTENED, a Mary Sue is, more often than not, a female character. She is always attractive (Universal Sue flips hair pleasantly and smiles) and has hobbies and tastes that reflect what her creator likes. (Another female in similar dress stands beside Universal Sue, looks her over, smiles and nods approvingly, and leaves) The Sue is highly talented in all fields that appeal to the author and has either been born with this skill or developed it in an unrealistically short period of time. Powers and other attributes are usually added on as the author, or Suethor, thinks of them.
Universal Sue: I was born with shape shifting abilities, the power of the celestial bodies, the soul of the water sprites, and I wield the all-cutting lighting blade which was given to me by the gods themselves that I have mastered within a week!
Narrator: These abilities need not make sense. If Mary Sue is in a setting that is historical or of a culture that is not native to the Suethor, she will often times be painfully stereotypical and/or inaccurate.
Universal Sue: (in very poor British accent) Allo chaps! Me name is Kyoko Kasagawa, don't ask why I have a Japanese name when I'm so bloody British, n' me n' me mates love to go watch us a game of cricket. It be 1729 n' I'm looking rather spiffy in me breeches n' things, even though I be a woman.
Narrator: Because Sue wears and does what she likes. Because she's a rebel like that and she never has to worry about retribution for her actions that go against the status quo because if Mary Sue does it, it's okay.
Universal Sue: Normally a woman in men's clothes would be jailed for cross dressing and/or public indecency and a woman with her hair down would be considered immoral, but not me! Everyone knows what a sweet, kind, loving girl I am! And when I disguised myself as a man to join the army, when they found out rather than kicking me out, they were so impressed by what a good job I had done that they made me a general!
Narrator: Hopefully England won't be going to war anytime soon, because I wouldn't let anyone as pitifully unstable as you operate my blender. Sue is talented musically, (Universal Sue is handed a guitar) martially, (Universal Sue is handed a weapon and takes a martial arts stance), academically, (a board with a complex math problem on it is wheeled behind Universal Sue, who quickly solves it) and romantically. (Universal Sue is surrounded by adoring males, who depart after some seconds of adoration) And she ALWAYS has the voice of an angel (Universal Sue begins to sing but is hit by a thrown shoe) Thank you, kind bystander. (spotlight shuts off) Now we shall dwell into the dreadful subspecies of Mary Sue. (spotlight turns back on, focusing on a female figure at stage left. Her outfit is horrifically gaudy, her hair is multicolored, she is wearing too many accessories and has additional body parts such as wings and a tail) This is the Standard Sue. She is what usually comes to mind when we think of a Mary Sue. Tell us about yourself, you horrible abomination.
Standard Sue: (in annoyingly high and bubbly voice) Like hi! My name is Mystic Dramatica Diamond Rose, I'm half vampire, half dragon, half fairy, half wolf, and half demon!
Narrator: Sue math does not have to make sense, just like their abilities and origins. Long, ridiculous names that are just nouns or pretty words are also very popular.
Standard Sue: My parents are dead, I know it's soooo sad, all sympathy cards can be sent to the mansion they left me in their will.
Narrator: Sues are always orphans. Because it is too much trouble to create parents and it derives sympathy from the audience. These parents were probably royalty or gods or something because it sounds cool and gives the Sue an excuse to have whatever she wants without working for it.
Standard Sue: And my eyes change color with my mood.
Narrator: Eyes like mood rings are common.
Standard Sue: And I'm so plain.
Narrator: Sues are always gorgeous. But they are unaware of it and "modest" so they appear more "humble" and appealing.
Standard Sue: And I have the power to control fire. (smiles)
Standard Sue: And maybe I can summon objects and spirits.
Narrator: (more forceful) And?
Standard Sue: (sighs) And I can talk to animals and have a dragon familiar and a magical necklace that gives me the power of Venus-
Narrator: Completely ignoring the fact that Venus was not that impressive of a goddess other than in terms of being hot.
Standard Sue: (counting on fingers) And I was trained in the art of war by the dark elves, and I'm a vampire that can still go out in the sun, and
(sighs) Hang on. (takes roll of paper out of her pocket, which when unrolled reaches the floor) And I can heal with my tears and I have a legion of demon servants and I can see into the future and read minds and-
Narrator: Thank you for telling us about yourself, Princess Mystica Drama Sparklebutt.
Standard Sue: But I wasn't finished-
(spotlight shuts off, turns on, now focused on Narrator)
Narrator: To conclude, Standard Sue results when the author tries to pile too many traits onto one character. She has more powers than Providence has pizzerias, she is undefeatable-
Standard Sue: No I'm not!
Narrator: You're right, witch of the dark dimension. Sues become suddenly weak in the presence of a love interest so they can be romantically rescued by their prince charming. In addition to their many powers, Sue is loved by everybody, or at least everybody who matters. Anyone who does dislike them is just a stupid meany face.
Standard Sue: Damn skippy they are!
Narattor: All animals love Mary Sue, even wild animals who would, outside of Sue Land, take her sparkly, neon colored head off.
(Standard Sue is approached by a lion, who rolls over for a belly rub)
Standard Sue: Aaaaw who's a good kitty?
Lion: This is so demasculating! I love her but I don't know why!
Narrator: That is a common infliction in Sue Land, mister lion. Mary Sue's personality is unstable and depends more on the Suethor's mood than actual character development. (Lion stalks back offstage at this point) Is that everything?
Standard Sue: Ahem! (motions to self)
Narrator: Oh right, how could I forget? Let's take another look at the hideous wife of Lucifer.
(spotlight shuts off, refocuses on Sue)
Narrator: Nothing is more important than the Sue's outfit. (Sue smiles and poses) More time will be spent describing the Sue's appearance that on anything else in the story. She wears far too many accessories and her clothing oftentimes resembles lingerie.
Standard Sue: (referring to her more modest that usual outfit)They made me wear this for the documentary because it was easier than holding up a censor bar the whole time I was on set.
Narrator: You said it, Slutty McEasytown. Because they are so amazingly wonderful that everyone wants a piece of Mary Sue, Sues may have multiple romantic partners at a time, or be involved with many males throughout her story. And like a middle schooler, she falls in "true love" with whatever male character has been around for the last five sentences.
Standard Sue: (offended) I am not that kind of girl!
Narrator: You're right, Lady Fucksalot. Because Sues can never do wrong, even when they do wrong. Every single thing the Mary Sue does is justified from the Suethor's point of view. After all, Mary Sue is perfect, and perfect people don't have faults or make mistakes! Back to the seizure-inducing appearance. Sues come in a variety of exotic and unrealistic colors. Their numerous accessories usually have some kind of significance, whether they belonged to one of their many dead family members or provide them with some special ability. Now get her out of here, I'm sick of looking at it.
Standard Sue: Hey-(spotlight shuts off and refocuses on Narrator. Standard Sue goes off stage)
Narrator: Now for a species of Sue that you can stare at directly without going blind.
(spotlight turns off and refocuses on a female figure sitting on the ground. She sighs sadly)
Angsty Sue: Why does everyone hate me?
Narrator: Because you are annoying and spiteful, unholy creature of evil. This is Angsty Sue. Angsty Sue has the most depressing past her creator could come up with in a misguided attempt to gain sympathy and derive pity from her audience. Her parents are dead and so is her beloved brother, she grew up on the streets and/or in extreme poverty, she is from a despised race, she is unfairly persecuted, she was abused
did I forget anything?
Angsty Sue: There is a demon sealed within me rotting me from the inside out. Any day now it could take over completely
Narrator: Yeah, something stupid and generic like that. Angsty Sue rarely speaks unless it is to tell everyone within earshot about their angsty, wangsty, oh-so-depressing past.
Angsty Sue: Stop being so insensitive! You have no idea what I've been through!
Narrator: They will say something to that effect to anyone who doesn't feel sorry for them to make them feel guilty and look like an uncaring sack of you-know-what. They use their depressing, angsty past to excuse their anti-social, narcissistic jerkwad behavior. (spotlight shuts off and refocuses on Narrator) Sometimes, Angsty Sue will use their past as something other than as a device to make readers feel pity for them while they spend paragraph after paragraph wallowing in self-pity. (spotlight refocuses on Angsty Sue, who is now pummeling some poor fellow into the ground) Sometimes they use it to justify their violent rages against people who may or may not deserve a butt whopping.
Angsty Sue: (while punching) I'm! So! Angstyyy!
Narrator: Their life is probably centered around getting revenge for some wrong done unto them or someone they care about, and they spend most of their time getting into fights with people who perform some minor offense against them, such as spilling their milkshake, or existing.
Angsty Sue: (glares at Narrator) How dare you exist at me! (lunges towards Narrator, but is dragged offstage by two individuals)
Narrator: So, that was the Angsty Sue. And now, for the last species of Sue that we will be going over today-
(from offstage) I smell bloodlust! (spotlight focuses on an important-looking female figure holding a weapon as she saunters proudly onstage)
Narrator: -the Power Sue.
Power Sue: That's right! I am the spawn of royalty! The blood of endless lines of warriors courses through my veins! In all my seventeen years I have mastered every sword fighting style in the known and unknown world, as well as every martial art, archery, staff work, gunmanship, war spell, and the cello! I am the most infamous assassin in the world-
Narrator: Even though, in retrospect, an assassin makes their way by stealth and so if everyone knows them they are very poor at their job. (Narrator waits for Power Sue to continue, but Power Sue is glaring at them) What?
Power Sue: (serious) You wanna mess?
Narrator: No! No, no messing!
Power Sue: Better not. (returns to speech) All who do battle fear my name! I need only flick my wrist and heads will roll! I can defeat any opponent I am faced with! Fear me and my terrifying might, for it is my born destiny to be savior or destroyer of our world!
Narrator: Power Sue has an enormous ego. They think they are all that and a bag of classic Lays potato chips.
Lion: (jumps in from offstage holding a bag of Lays) Buy now! (jumps back off)
Narrator: Power Sue is some sort of god or destined warrior-
Power Sue: You wanna mess? Cause I think you wanna mess.
Power Sue: You sure? You sure?
Narrator: Yes, I am sure that I do not wish to be messing! Messing is not desired by me!
Power Sue: All right, then.
Narrator: Onto the appearance. Though she has been in many battles, Power Sue never has any visible or unattractive scars. If she has any they're supposed to be edgy and badass.
Power Sue: (points to scar over eye) This? Yeah, this? I got it fighting the dragon warriors of the Darklands of Sircia! Pretty hardcore, am I right? Cool, yeah?
Narrator: You look like a rejected pirate. Power Sue has some overly flashy, magical, legendary weapon that may be too large for her to logically wield properly, but Power Sue has the physical strength of a thousand elephants on a six pack of Red Bull energy drink apiece.
Lion: (jumps on stage with a Red Bull can) Buy now! (jumps back off)
Narrator: They also pick up any new weapon or fighting style with natural ease. They wear whatever they like, no matter how poorly suited for battle it is-
Power Sue: That's it! (brandishes weapon) We're messing! (charges)
Narrator: Oh god! (frantically as he/she begins to run) And they will constantly challenge other characters for no other reason than to show off how strong they are!
(Power Sue chases a yelling Narrator on and off stage three times until both are offstage)
Angsty Sue: Want to hear about the time I saw my only friend killed right in front of me?
Power Sue: Nooooo!
Narrator: (walks back on stage readjusting self to regain composure) Well, that should keep her occupied for about two hours. To conclude, Power Sues are egotistical, godmoding jerkwads. (dramatic chord plays) Now I know this must make you wonder; if these Sues are so all-powerful, how can we protect ourselves against them? No fighter can defeat them, they are immortal, and they annoy the mightiest of warriors to death. Well rest easy, my friends, for there is one thing that Sues cannot stand
(dramatic chord) A well developed character wielding logic!
(A normal-looking character walks on stage as heroic music plays. They are approached by Standard Sue)
Well Developed Character: The fact that you have so many powers is unrealistic! Your abilities are ridiculous! You are too idealistic to be interesting! And I do not find you attractive or pleasant in any way! (punches Standard Sue, who shrieks and falls to the ground. Now approaches Angsty Sue) Nobody cares about your sob story! Your ill-advised attempt to derive pity and make yourself unique by creating the most unfortunate past that you can makes you sound desperate for attention! You are obnoxious and annoying and your story never develops because you are too busy wallowing in the past! (roundhouse kicks, Angsty Sue collapses. Approaches Power Sue) I am not intimidated nor impressed by you!
Power Sue: Nooooooo my ego! (collapses)
Narrator: (wipes tear away) That was so beautiful. (ending music plays) So remember. Keep your characters close, keep them well developed, and-
Suethor: (from offstage) Hey! (music stops abruptly)
Narrator: Oh no! It's the root of all evil! (teenage girl stomps on stage) A Suethor!
Suethor: Oh my god how could you say such mean things about my characters?! You're just jealous because they're way better than yours! Your characters are stupid and not nearly as interesting! Mine are totally amazing and you'll never be as good a writer as me so shut up! Go die in a hole! You think you're so cool just because you draw your own characters, well I color over others works because I can't draw, it's not my fault! I'm going to tell all of my online friends about you and how you said mean things about my characters and we're all going to harass you to see how you like it! Your characters are so stupid and boring anyway, they can't even do anything like fly or breathe fire, and they're so ugly too, just look at them! Not like mine, mine are gorgeous because I put actual effort into making up their appearance-
Narrator: (as she's speaking, crumples to the ground) No
make it stop
I can't take the adolescent female stupidity! The ignorance, it's burning me! (screams as light fades off)